I miss my bereavement group

One of my most cherished experiences ever was the shared pain I felt during the many sessions of my bereavement group. Those were some powerful moments; being able to open up and discuss such a profound loss without feeling like I was making others feel uncomfortable or like all I was after was self pity. All I wanted, all I needed, was for someone to listen who knew firsthand what it was like to lose someone. I had never had that type of discussion with anyone before. I had never thought about death so seriously before. Being able to share that with a group of people and listening to them share back was powerful. It didn't make me feel any less scared for all of us and our mortalities on the line, but it felt good to openly talk about something that is so taboo. Death is so mysterious. Not a day goes by where I don't reflect on it and am so happy that I am still here and that my friends are still here and that my family is still here. By now I have been through a few deaths, one of my best friends and both of my parents. Mourning my mother is always fraught with some type of guilt. There are so many things I wish I had done differently. We fought a lot and I spent a lot of energy disliking her or feeling ashamed because of her. And I feel like there were not enough good times between the two of us. I just didn't think her life would end so soon. There were things that I couldn't say to anyone of my friends or family, but I could say them in front of a group of strangers who were brought together by a common death thread. The bereavement group saved me, especially since I lived far from home and had no quick access to friends or family anyway. I had moved to California from New York. Everyone was in New York and my poor mother suffered with cancer for ten months while I was on the other side of the country. The bereavement group helped me tremendously. I went for about six months, I think. I moved back to New York eventually, and despite being surrounded my family and friends again, I still need that group.

my goal...

How odd, my "comeback" as a blogger already produced hate mail. Geez, here I am attempting to write and some harsh critic lashes out before I can begin. How cute. Anyway, my so called life, my real freelance writing job, and my concert calendar have all prevented me from giving Tone Frenzy any real attention or any attention at all for that matter. I will change that and begin putting my voice out there. This voice for now will call it a night. It is just past 11:30 at night in NYC and it is time to wrap up the evening, wrap up that joint, smoke, and then sleep. Tomorrow is a new day to talk about death, my cemetery adventures, and whatever else I can think of. And if this blog is too slow for you, then EVS, dude. Yeah, way too much Rockstar watching for me.

Worst blogger EVER!

Let's face it, I am not a real blogger. Anyone, by some miracle, who happens to cross my desolate path will see that I blog once every other year or so. It is pathetic. I love writing and reading other people's work. I just lack the committment of those daily, hell, even weekly bloggers who always have something to say and apparently, the time to say it. Sometimes, it seems bloggers are just so self-absorbed. But every now and then, you come across a real insightful, funny, gem of a blog- one that does not try too hard. That is what I would like to do.

But you know what, that is going to change. I am doing this for myself, because I love the art of writing and entertaining. I don't really advertise this blog to any of my friends, they mostly check me out here at my myspace page:
http://blog.myspace.com/seedyxtina

But I will try to no longer be the worst blogger ever to have entered cyber space and I will try to post at least weekly my most interesting commentary. It will be graphics free for a while until I learn how to do it. In the mean time, my philosohpy on anything will be self-published right here on Tone Frenzy.

So, that is my intro- it is the beginning of a new era, an era where I will exercise my brain and write out all thoughts- the good, the bad, and the ugly for myself and any audience who cares. But mostly, it is for me.

Ok, let's see if I can do it. Thank god, Rockstar Supernova is almost over (my present guilty pleasure). That will give me some more writing time.